When I was preggers, I bought one of those long body pillows to help position my body more comfortably while lying down. Notice I didn’t say “sleep”; when I was pregnant I didn’t get much of that done. Naturally since this new pillow of mine and I were destined to get to know each other very well, I wanted to christen my pillow with a name, you know personify it, so I could comfortably snuggle up with it at night knowing I wasn’t wrapping my pregnant thighs around a virtual stranger. Unfortunately, choosing a name quickly became a problem.
I didn’t want to give my pillow a generic name like “Bob” or “Mr. Pillow” (a hearty “sorry” to all the Bobs of the world who I just insulted by calling your name generic) because snuggling up to a “Bob” or “Mr. Pillow” every night holds no appeal for me. Any name held by a former boyfriend or childhood crush was also out as I share the bed with my husband and I didn’t want him thinking that I’d rather be snuggling up with a former flame. Names belonging to men we know were also out; “Tom” is a perfectly acceptable name for a pillow but as we know several Toms, the idea of naming my pillow Tom and then joining Tom and his wife for dinner, sitting across the table thinking “I sleep with Tom every night,” — not good. The list of acceptable names was quickly whittling down yet the answer seems simple, right? Just pick a name not belonging to anyone of whom you have acquaintance, past or present. Ahhh, but possible future acquaintance, there’s the rub. What if I named my pillow and then met someone the next day with that same name? You see, we didn’t know anyone named “Nick” but we subsequently came to know one. It would have been very awkward for me to have named my pillow Nick and then have my husband become friends with one. Because we now know a Nick I am very glad I didn’t name my pillow Nick.
It was obvious to me I had to choose a name that could only belong to someone I would never meet later in life but whom I would have no problems snuggling up to. . . someone also whose name is unique to only them and not shared by anyone else in the world. Once looked at from this perspective, the answer is very simple and one choice stood out from the rest — Keanu. Yes, I named my pillow Keanu and it fit so well. Real Keanu has had roles playing both the action hero and the sensitive leading man; Pillow Keanu held me firmly but gently. Real Keanu is not much for conversation but oh so pretty to look at; Pillow Keanu is as dumb as fluff but I bought him a nice cover. Keanu was the perfect name for my pillow.
Keanu and I passed many a night together in blissful non sleep. I was confident in my decision to name my pillow Keanu for a long while, until photos of Keanu started cropping up of him looking, well there’s no other way to put this, of him looking homeless, unwashed, and gross. Suddenly the idea of snuggling up with Keanu at night lost it’s appeal. I had only two options before me, ditch my pillow lover or give him a new name. I opted for the new name.
But what to name him? What to name my pillow? While the decision to choose a name was difficult before, now that pillow and I had a deepened and more meaningful relationship the choice couldn’t be taken lightly. Assuming the same problems I had before in the name quest were still present problems today my field was narrowed by all the same names plus one. A friend who knew of my naming problem previous and who knew I ended up going with “pretty but dumb” suggested “Fabio” and all I could say to that was uuh . . ugh . . . ahgh . . . someone get a bucket . . . bwahuuuuuuuuuuurgh. (I’m sitting here at my computer trying to mimic the sound of hurling so I can write the sound effect most effectively. Lovely . . . but I digress.)
My dilemma was large and my pillow went without a name for many months. This was unacceptable. I didn’t want to sleep every night with a nameless, persona-less object. I wanted my Keanu back but this time with a shower, shave, and haircut. And a change of clothes. Preferably sober. Being that none of these were likely to happen any time soon, if at all, I had to move on and choose a new name. Perhaps the name of a fictional character? How about Superman? On my left side in bed is my husband but on my right side is the man of steel. No, that would never do. My pillow name can not be in the least bit threatening to hubby. “I love you honey but I’m choosing to snuggle with the ultimate man.” Given a choice between hubby and my pillow I’d still gladly take hubby.
Think, think, think! What name can he be? In a fit of desperation one night over dinner with friends I declared my pillow should be named Harry Potter and everyone agreed HP was a very good name until I got home and realized that the character Harry Potter and the actor who played him in the movies was at most 17 years old. Creepy. I’m still trying to figure out why I thought that would be OK.
After watching the movie Jarhead with Jake Gyllenhaal, I decided to name my pillow “Gilly Pilly” but for some reason that just didn’t seem right either. [Sigh] Thanks Keanu for ruining my blissful nights. Please take a bath.